"compassion is knowing your darkness well enough that you can sit in the darkness with others" - pema chodron

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my story comes in the form of highs and lows, complete darkness and the brightest light, utter abandonment and complete connection. and of course everything in between.

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(why do I share my story as a massage therapist you may ask? I know that my experiences and my life trajectory influence how I approach bodywork and interact with each of my clients. I believe that my purpose is to share my story and live my life out loud, helping others know that they are not alone. by allowing you to connect with me on a more personal level, I hope that our sessions together feel safe, non-judgmental and effective.)

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I grew up a very lucky girl on the island of Kaua'i with my 3 siblings and mother and father. I was a part of a worldwide, close-knit religious organization called Jehovah's Witnesses. My mother and father both parented me the best they could but they came from a place of their own wounds and generational trauma. The religious community felt hypocritical to me from an early age - claiming that they are a religion of love and peace yet their love was conditional and tough. 

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I was baptized at 14, making a lifelong commitment to the religion. The consequences of that decision were incomprehensible for my child mind, for if I ever changed my mind and left, I would be shunned from my community. 

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Not knowing how to reconcile this, I started to quickly lead a double life of partying, drug use, irresponsible sexual behavior and disassociation. For two years, I was two people: a good Christian girl, going door to door preaching about the end of times; and a constantly hungover, lying teen who stole and cheated her way through high school. Within two years of this lifestyle, my body and soul broke down. I became bedridden with respiratory and digestive issues, with the inability to eat for a month. My parents only agreed to nurse to health if I agreed to repent and return to God.

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However, once I was better, I ran all the way to California. I was taken in by non-religious grandparents. I continued my dissassociated lifestyle for another year before finally giving it up and going back to being a Jehovah's Witness. From age 18-21, I studied the Bible, immersing myself in the JW interpretations, trying to believe, trying to find the truth. But I knew it was not for me. At 21, I made a conscious decision to again leave the religion. I left behind a lifetime of friends, mentors, and my family. 

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I write this on my 10 year anniversary of making that decision. When I walked out of that church in 2013, on a crisp night with ocean salt in the air, I cried with sadness of ending one life but joy for the life I could now create. I remember thinking that in many years from now, I will remember this moment and be proud of the decision I made to be free, to be fully me, and to trust that I will always be okay. 

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I often reflect on my life and the experiences I had like a movie one might watch in a theater. The thing that always stands out is the grit, the perseverance, and the resilience of not just myself, but of all those around me that have proven that our world only exists because of compassion, grace, and love. Things don't get done well when we assume malicious intent or operate from a place of fear. Easier said than done, right? 

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When someone gets on my massage table, I operate from a place of human to human, soul to soul, deep love and acceptance that they are exactly where they need to be in their process. Because this is the grace that I was (and still) extended an innumerable amount of times. I am simply a conduit of skills and expertise on anatomy and physiology. Working together, with intention and humanness, I believe, is the only way to accomplish our goals of well-being.